Because you think I'm not ready yet for sex, and maybe you're right and I'm not, but...
[He flicks an ear again, blushing dark but starting to move his hand gently again. He turns his eyes to watch its progress, moving from chest to bicep, gently brushing the tips of his fingers over the muscle in a gentle, decidedly affectionate caress.]
But that doesn't mean I don't want to show you that I love you. I like touching you, and I really like when we kiss a-and... and I want to be close all the time.
[Face still a deep pink, Sola removes his oversized sleep shirt, pulling it over his head and leaving his hair even more badly tousled than usual when he's without his hat. Carefully, he lays back down, situating himself at Johnny's side so his skin is against his matesprit's, that contact something he's been craving for so long. There's nothing sexual about it, but it's a sensual feeling to finally have nothing between them that does nothing to diminish his blushing and forcing him to hide his face against Johnny's side, cheeks amusingly warm.]
[He knew what he wanted to say, he knew he wanted to assure Sola it was fine, after all it wasn't going any further than that. But that wasn't what came out of his mouth.]
It's a little weird. Though, not because you're doing it or even the act in general, more that it's being done to me. But, it's okay that you're doing it.
[That wasn't something he was going to talk about-]
I like it.
[Neither was that.]
But you don't have to show me that you love me, you don't have to do anything different from what you already do.
I do have to show you. You don't get it otherwise.
[It's blunt and it's definitely not what he wanted to say, yes his mouth seems to have disconnected itself from his brain and keeps going.]
You act like you don't deserve anything but you're wrong. You're nice and you care about people and you always put them before yourself even when you shouldn't and it makes me mad that you do that sometimes but it's also why I like you, and I don't understand why you don't get it even when I say it so I do have to show you.
[He brings his face out of hiding, the blush gone and his expression earnest.]
You still act like you're far away sometimes, like you don't want to be here. I know it's not my fault, but...
[But sometimes it feels like it. He doesn't want to say that. He doesn't want to make Johnny feel guilty, but he can feel it trying to escape so he does the only thing he can do to keep himself from talking.
He leans over, chest flush against his matesprit's, and kisses him deeply. All that emotion that he'd just spilled out in words, all that love and devotion and want- no, need for Johnny to understand, to truly understand how important he really is and to not be afraid of it communicated in that one small kiss.]
[For a moment, he's happy for the distraction the kiss offers, but he can tell this kiss is different. It's passionate and gentle and it's clear that it might be a distraction, but it's more than that too.
One of his hands moved to slip his fingers into soft silver hair and he presses back into the kiss. As much as intimacy made him nervous, a kiss that he could express his emotions in and offer Sola what he needed, was easier than the words needed to do the same.
However, Sola did need to breath and Johnny did need to say something. Something terribly honest, but willingly so. He broke the kiss but only enough to be able to speak.]
You're wrong. I want to be here. This is my home and I don't want to leave it or you ever.
So, I'm sorry I've made you feel like that isn't the case.
[That was all he was going to say, but his mouth had other ideas.]
Any distance between us is only there to protect you.
[It is a curse. Sola had figured it out only just before Johnny when he couldn't keep the words from spilling out and had decided to kiss the vampire instead. He'd wanted to, quite badly in fact as he often does, but he'd never done it as a way to hide things he feels he shouldn't say before.
Johnny's pulling back leaves Sola's lips a bit tingly and warm and his words do the same to his heart, the Hylian curling like a pleased cat back into his matesprit's side. At least, until he explained the distance.
Sola shoots back up into sitting again, looking at Johnny with furrowed eyebrows.]
But I don't want protected from you.
[His smaller hand searches for Johnny's larger one and he twines his fingers between the others']
I want to share everything. All of it. I don't need you far away to protect me from you. I need you close to protect me from everything else.
[Not because he can't protect himself, but because he wants Johnny's protection, his love.]
[He just looked at Sola a moment, thinking that over. There was a lot he could say to that, a lot of truthful things, but none of them were coming forward just yet. He didn't want to be distant. He'd been distant from everything for so long that being close to people and things here was like living in a new world of color and the alternative was going back to a black and white world, but there was this distance still and he did want to take the step closer to eliminate it.
But there was still a part of him that was worried about his past and what it held for others. Barry was only part of that, there was something much stronger than Barry lurking in the vampire's shadow and it had already laid claim to anything Johnny came to care about. On the other side of that, though, was it really fair to come to care about someone and then leave or even just remain distant for their protection? There was no guarantee they would be safe because of that, but there was guarantee that they wouldn't have Johnny's protection if he was gone.
There was something else to be concerned about as well, what if he did get close? The chance of messing it up wouldn't diminish or grow, but it would hurt so much more if he did. Beyond that, no one but God was immortal or ageless, surely time would see to it that he lost Sola. It had already, in a way, seen to it that he lost Toki, Crowley, Otoha, and Jacob, the latter two had been closer to him and known more than almost anyone else.
His hand tightened around Sola's and he sat up so he could envelop the hylian in a tight hug, almost as if Johnny were clinging to him. As if he could make all of these possibilities go away that way.
Because, all of these things, all of this he constantly thought about and could potentially say in response boiled down into one simple thing.]
[He wants to tell Johnny there's nothing to be afraid of but the words don't come. He knows they're not true. He melts into Johnny's arms, wrapping his around just as tightly, just as needing.]
I am too. Not of you, but... of other stuff. Of Barry o-or that you'll get sent home or I will or you'll overdo it trying to protect someone else...
[He shifts a little, his cheek rubbing against Johnny's chest as he moves, thrilling at the closeness even as he continues, voice dropped to barely a whisper.]
But isn't it better to be as close as we can for as long as we can?
[There's plenty to be afraid of. The trick is not letting that stop them.]
There's so many things I want to do, but not if you're not there.
[He tensed ever so slightly at the mention of Barry. In all fairness, it was good Sola was afraid of Barry, it was the appropriate response when faced with someone who would rip you apart as soon as look at you and Johnny would have been more worried if Sola had said the incubus didn't scare him.]
I won't let Barry hurt you again, I'll die before I let that happen.
[But the rest of it...the rest of it there was nothing to say. Neither of them could control when they were sent back or if they were sent back, there wasn't even a 'safe' period of time; Crowley had been in the bubble for years and he still got sent back, while others merely spent a few days or weeks.]
Yes, it is. But I just don't want to see you hurt. I can't lose you.
[And he is. He's afraid of Barry hurting him too of course, who wouldn't be? But moreover he's afraid of Johnny dying to protect him, of it being his fault that the person he loves most suffers. The thought urges him to tighten his embrace.]
You're my light.
[He hadn't expected that next. Yes the vampire had said those words before but he'd always figured them for the flowery poetry Johnny is prone to in fits of old-style romance. He thought it decorative, but meaningless in general terms other than flattery to turn him red. Not that he ever minded. The thing about when he blushes is Johnny smiles at him for real, not the usual over-happy teasing smile but the honest one Sola sees far less so he lets the older man do what he wants in terms of teasing, though not always without weak and blustery protest.
But this... they can't lie, not right now, and he still says that. Sola wonders at the words. He's made from shadow, but somehow he's the opposite for Johnny.
Sola turns a deep scarlet at knowing that in truth and darts his lips back to recapture his boyfriends roughly, almost desperately, but entirely in gratitude and love.]
[He wasn't expecting the kiss, but he returned it after a very brief pause.
Yes, there was a slight concern that Sola would try to take things too far, it was only natural considering how the morning had started out, but he knew he needed to start trusting Sola more if they were going to get closer at all.
He pulled away after a moment only to press their foreheads together.]
I'll try. I promise to work on on it. I only ask that you have patience with me.
[He paused and then shook his head slightly.]
No, I also ask that you're as honest with me as you would like for me to be with you. I know you hide things from me when you think they'll hurt or worry me, especially if it has anything to do with Barry.
[Sola's face goes a little sour at that and he shifts around, still leaning into Johnny's side but this time mostly with his back so he can pick at a nearby pillow sullenly.]
I don't tell you that stuff because if I do you won't let me protect you. I mean, Barry's scary but you don't really stand up to him, not the same way you do to other people, like you did to Ghirahim. I just want him to go away but he won't so I thought doing something else would work but then Bon said he needed more information about him to even do an exorcism and I didn't want him to get hurt if he got discovered lurking around or anything. I'd do it, but I don't know what to look for.
[Ah... that was way more than he'd intended to say and he cringes prematurely at the scolding he knows is coming.
[Johnny was still a moment, processing what he'd just heard. Was he mad? No, more disappointed than mad and more scared than disappointed.
He pulled away a bit though, not for any real reason other than he was thinking.]
I'm not mad...I just wish I knew how I could tell you I don't want you to keep prying into that in such a way that you'll get it. As far as I'm aware, it takes a certain kind of exorcism and I can't tell you about it.
[Not directly, anyway.]
I don't stand up to Barry because I will always fail. He owns me and the best thing I can do is protect the people he wants to hurt because of me, and not waste my time or my energy fighting back. The easiest option would be to give him what he wants, but I'm not willing to do that either.
[So he was at a stand still. And here was Sola trying to dabble in something that had cost Chris his arm and almost Johnny's life.]
Please...it scares me to think you could be hurt by this thing because of me and it hurts to think it would happen because you were undermining what I was doing to protect you.
[He thumps his fist down on the pillow he'd been picking at.]
I don't want him to own you. I know what that's like! Not to have any freedom to do what you want because your Master says so. It's stupid and it's not fair and he creeps me out! He says he loves you but he hurts you and that's wrong. You don't hurt people you love, you take care of them!
[He punches the pillow again, imagining it to be Barry's stupid pretty face.]
I don't want to scare you either, but how are you supposed to ever be happy if he's here? You're always going to be afraid if no one does anything!
[He throws the pillow from the bed like a vanquished enemy, watching it bounce pathetically against a chair and rock to stillness on the carpet.]
I won't let him get you. I can't. I'm supposed to protect you.
[He really believes that. Somehow, someway, he'll keep Barry off of Johnny once and for all. His voice drops to a murmur.]
You don't have to protect me. Plus, you're much more than good already, you care about me and that's enough.
[He knows what he's going to say next because it ran through his head and this curse seemed to be shoving everything like that out into the open. His attempt to stop it only results in a moment of silence as he fights to keep his mouth shut but to no avail.]
No one can protect me, that's something I accepted long ago and I wish you would too.
[He pulls Sola against him again, just wanting to hold him and protect him from this whole conversation.]
I'll be plenty happy as long as you and everyone else are safe and, for right now, you are. I won't be happy if something happens to you, whether Barry's here or not.
[He wants to grab Johnny by the shoulders and shake him into understanding but the vampire gathers him up before he has the chance. He doesn't fight it, never wanting to leave Johnny's arms, but he can't stop talking. He has to get this out, the curse demands it.]
You have to let me try, you shouldn't accept that kind of thing, not ever! You have to fight and if you can't fight you have to let me fight it for you because I love you! Because I don't want anything to happen to me either so I won't fail. I can't. I want to make it so we don't have to worry, so you don't have to worry ever again but the only thing really stopping me is you!
[He wraps his arms around Johnny tightly, clinging as if the other man will somehow disappear.]
[He was silent again and he pressed his lips to the top of Sola's head as he held him.
He didn't know what to think or feel, but he could feel what Sola was feeling and it hurt. If he thought about it in the reverse, how frustrated would he be if Sola was hurting from someone's presence but wanted Johnny to swear not to do anything about it?
...the truth was he probably wouldn't listen either.
The faces of all of the people Barry had 'removed' from Johnny's life were flashing through his mind. Some of them had hurt more than others, but they were the reminders of why he shouldn't get close to people and the price payed if he did.
An unreasonable part of his mind wanted to remind him that Barry had been defeated, he'd seen it happen. He tried to remind that part of the memory of Chris losing his arm, but then another part decided he needed to be reminded that that only happened because he was left up on that balcony while Chris fought the incubus alone.
All of them had died or been injured because Johnny hadn't been there to help.
His larger hand took hold of Sola's smaller one and he buried his face in the hylian's shoulder. He could feel his heart racing with the words that were clambering to the surface.]
...Promise me you won't fight unless I'm there...and I'll fight with you.
[He's surprised, to say the least. Johnny had fought tooth and nail to simply run away to leave it alone every time Sola had ever brought of Barry to the point where Sola had given up hope of ever reaching any sort of understanding on the subject. He thought he'd have to do something alone, under Johnny's nose regardless of the vampire telling him to stay out of it. He couldn't, not with Barry hanging over their heads like a storm cloud, blocking out the proverbial sun. Sola'd stopped bringing it up at all though, tired of being told no, of the pained, hurt and worried expressions it brought about on Johnny's face. If he hadn't been for the curse he wouldn't have this morning either. And now...
He's glad he did.
Sola holds Johnny tightly, not the clinging hold it had been moments ago, out of fear of loss, but the protective hold of someone determined to keep the person they care for safe no matter the cost.]
I won't. We'll get rid of him together. Then you'll be safe.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Hello, you've reached the phone of Johnny Rayflo, please leave a message and I'll return your call.
[Action]
[How does he phrase it?]
Because you think I'm not ready yet for sex, and maybe you're right and I'm not, but...
[He flicks an ear again, blushing dark but starting to move his hand gently again. He turns his eyes to watch its progress, moving from chest to bicep, gently brushing the tips of his fingers over the muscle in a gentle, decidedly affectionate caress.]
But that doesn't mean I don't want to show you that I love you. I like touching you, and I really like when we kiss a-and... and I want to be close all the time.
[Face still a deep pink, Sola removes his oversized sleep shirt, pulling it over his head and leaving his hair even more badly tousled than usual when he's without his hat. Carefully, he lays back down, situating himself at Johnny's side so his skin is against his matesprit's, that contact something he's been craving for so long. There's nothing sexual about it, but it's a sensual feeling to finally have nothing between them that does nothing to diminish his blushing and forcing him to hide his face against Johnny's side, cheeks amusingly warm.]
It's okay, isn't it? Is it weird?
[Action]
It's a little weird. Though, not because you're doing it or even the act in general, more that it's being done to me. But, it's okay that you're doing it.
[That wasn't something he was going to talk about-]
I like it.
[Neither was that.]
But you don't have to show me that you love me, you don't have to do anything different from what you already do.
[That was better.]
[Action]
[It's blunt and it's definitely not what he wanted to say, yes his mouth seems to have disconnected itself from his brain and keeps going.]
You act like you don't deserve anything but you're wrong. You're nice and you care about people and you always put them before yourself even when you shouldn't and it makes me mad that you do that sometimes but it's also why I like you, and I don't understand why you don't get it even when I say it so I do have to show you.
[He brings his face out of hiding, the blush gone and his expression earnest.]
You still act like you're far away sometimes, like you don't want to be here. I know it's not my fault, but...
[But sometimes it feels like it. He doesn't want to say that. He doesn't want to make Johnny feel guilty, but he can feel it trying to escape so he does the only thing he can do to keep himself from talking.
He leans over, chest flush against his matesprit's, and kisses him deeply. All that emotion that he'd just spilled out in words, all that love and devotion and want- no, need for Johnny to understand, to truly understand how important he really is and to not be afraid of it communicated in that one small kiss.]
[Action]
One of his hands moved to slip his fingers into soft silver hair and he presses back into the kiss. As much as intimacy made him nervous, a kiss that he could express his emotions in and offer Sola what he needed, was easier than the words needed to do the same.
However, Sola did need to breath and Johnny did need to say something. Something terribly honest, but willingly so. He broke the kiss but only enough to be able to speak.]
You're wrong. I want to be here. This is my home and I don't want to leave it or you ever.
So, I'm sorry I've made you feel like that isn't the case.
[That was all he was going to say, but his mouth had other ideas.]
Any distance between us is only there to protect you.
[This was a curse, wasn't it?]
[Action]
Johnny's pulling back leaves Sola's lips a bit tingly and warm and his words do the same to his heart, the Hylian curling like a pleased cat back into his matesprit's side. At least, until he explained the distance.
Sola shoots back up into sitting again, looking at Johnny with furrowed eyebrows.]
But I don't want protected from you.
[His smaller hand searches for Johnny's larger one and he twines his fingers between the others']
I want to share everything. All of it. I don't need you far away to protect me from you. I need you close to protect me from everything else.
[Not because he can't protect himself, but because he wants Johnny's protection, his love.]
[Action]
But there was still a part of him that was worried about his past and what it held for others. Barry was only part of that, there was something much stronger than Barry lurking in the vampire's shadow and it had already laid claim to anything Johnny came to care about. On the other side of that, though, was it really fair to come to care about someone and then leave or even just remain distant for their protection? There was no guarantee they would be safe because of that, but there was guarantee that they wouldn't have Johnny's protection if he was gone.
There was something else to be concerned about as well, what if he did get close? The chance of messing it up wouldn't diminish or grow, but it would hurt so much more if he did. Beyond that, no one but God was immortal or ageless, surely time would see to it that he lost Sola. It had already, in a way, seen to it that he lost Toki, Crowley, Otoha, and Jacob, the latter two had been closer to him and known more than almost anyone else.
His hand tightened around Sola's and he sat up so he could envelop the hylian in a tight hug, almost as if Johnny were clinging to him. As if he could make all of these possibilities go away that way.
Because, all of these things, all of this he constantly thought about and could potentially say in response boiled down into one simple thing.]
I'm scared.
[Action]
I am too. Not of you, but... of other stuff. Of Barry o-or that you'll get sent home or I will or you'll overdo it trying to protect someone else...
[He shifts a little, his cheek rubbing against Johnny's chest as he moves, thrilling at the closeness even as he continues, voice dropped to barely a whisper.]
But isn't it better to be as close as we can for as long as we can?
[There's plenty to be afraid of. The trick is not letting that stop them.]
There's so many things I want to do, but not if you're not there.
[Action]
I won't let Barry hurt you again, I'll die before I let that happen.
[But the rest of it...the rest of it there was nothing to say. Neither of them could control when they were sent back or if they were sent back, there wasn't even a 'safe' period of time; Crowley had been in the bubble for years and he still got sent back, while others merely spent a few days or weeks.]
Yes, it is. But I just don't want to see you hurt. I can't lose you.
You're my light.
[Action]
[And he is. He's afraid of Barry hurting him too of course, who wouldn't be? But moreover he's afraid of Johnny dying to protect him, of it being his fault that the person he loves most suffers. The thought urges him to tighten his embrace.]
You're my light.
[He hadn't expected that next. Yes the vampire had said those words before but he'd always figured them for the flowery poetry Johnny is prone to in fits of old-style romance. He thought it decorative, but meaningless in general terms other than flattery to turn him red. Not that he ever minded. The thing about when he blushes is Johnny smiles at him for real, not the usual over-happy teasing smile but the honest one Sola sees far less so he lets the older man do what he wants in terms of teasing, though not always without weak and blustery protest.
But this... they can't lie, not right now, and he still says that. Sola wonders at the words. He's made from shadow, but somehow he's the opposite for Johnny.
Sola turns a deep scarlet at knowing that in truth and darts his lips back to recapture his boyfriends roughly, almost desperately, but entirely in gratitude and love.]
[Action]
Yes, there was a slight concern that Sola would try to take things too far, it was only natural considering how the morning had started out, but he knew he needed to start trusting Sola more if they were going to get closer at all.
He pulled away after a moment only to press their foreheads together.]
I'll try. I promise to work on on it. I only ask that you have patience with me.
[He paused and then shook his head slightly.]
No, I also ask that you're as honest with me as you would like for me to be with you. I know you hide things from me when you think they'll hurt or worry me, especially if it has anything to do with Barry.
I want to know these things as well.
[Action]
I don't tell you that stuff because if I do you won't let me protect you. I mean, Barry's scary but you don't really stand up to him, not the same way you do to other people, like you did to Ghirahim. I just want him to go away but he won't so I thought doing something else would work but then Bon said he needed more information about him to even do an exorcism and I didn't want him to get hurt if he got discovered lurking around or anything. I'd do it, but I don't know what to look for.
[Ah... that was way more than he'd intended to say and he cringes prematurely at the scolding he knows is coming.
Damnit, and the morning had started so nicely.]
Please don't be mad?
[Action]
He pulled away a bit though, not for any real reason other than he was thinking.]
I'm not mad...I just wish I knew how I could tell you I don't want you to keep prying into that in such a way that you'll get it. As far as I'm aware, it takes a certain kind of exorcism and I can't tell you about it.
[Not directly, anyway.]
I don't stand up to Barry because I will always fail. He owns me and the best thing I can do is protect the people he wants to hurt because of me, and not waste my time or my energy fighting back. The easiest option would be to give him what he wants, but I'm not willing to do that either.
[So he was at a stand still. And here was Sola trying to dabble in something that had cost Chris his arm and almost Johnny's life.]
Please...it scares me to think you could be hurt by this thing because of me and it hurts to think it would happen because you were undermining what I was doing to protect you.
Just leave it alone.
[Action]
[He thumps his fist down on the pillow he'd been picking at.]
I don't want him to own you. I know what that's like! Not to have any freedom to do what you want because your Master says so. It's stupid and it's not fair and he creeps me out! He says he loves you but he hurts you and that's wrong. You don't hurt people you love, you take care of them!
[He punches the pillow again, imagining it to be Barry's stupid pretty face.]
I don't want to scare you either, but how are you supposed to ever be happy if he's here? You're always going to be afraid if no one does anything!
[He throws the pillow from the bed like a vanquished enemy, watching it bounce pathetically against a chair and rock to stillness on the carpet.]
I won't let him get you. I can't. I'm supposed to protect you.
[He really believes that. Somehow, someway, he'll keep Barry off of Johnny once and for all. His voice drops to a murmur.]
I'm no good if I can't protect you.
[Action]
[He knows what he's going to say next because it ran through his head and this curse seemed to be shoving everything like that out into the open. His attempt to stop it only results in a moment of silence as he fights to keep his mouth shut but to no avail.]
No one can protect me, that's something I accepted long ago and I wish you would too.
[He pulls Sola against him again, just wanting to hold him and protect him from this whole conversation.]
I'll be plenty happy as long as you and everyone else are safe and, for right now, you are. I won't be happy if something happens to you, whether Barry's here or not.
[Action]
[He wants to grab Johnny by the shoulders and shake him into understanding but the vampire gathers him up before he has the chance. He doesn't fight it, never wanting to leave Johnny's arms, but he can't stop talking. He has to get this out, the curse demands it.]
You have to let me try, you shouldn't accept that kind of thing, not ever! You have to fight and if you can't fight you have to let me fight it for you because I love you! Because I don't want anything to happen to me either so I won't fail. I can't. I want to make it so we don't have to worry, so you don't have to worry ever again but the only thing really stopping me is you!
[He wraps his arms around Johnny tightly, clinging as if the other man will somehow disappear.]
[Action]
He didn't know what to think or feel, but he could feel what Sola was feeling and it hurt. If he thought about it in the reverse, how frustrated would he be if Sola was hurting from someone's presence but wanted Johnny to swear not to do anything about it?
...the truth was he probably wouldn't listen either.
The faces of all of the people Barry had 'removed' from Johnny's life were flashing through his mind. Some of them had hurt more than others, but they were the reminders of why he shouldn't get close to people and the price payed if he did.
An unreasonable part of his mind wanted to remind him that Barry had been defeated, he'd seen it happen. He tried to remind that part of the memory of Chris losing his arm, but then another part decided he needed to be reminded that that only happened because he was left up on that balcony while Chris fought the incubus alone.
All of them had died or been injured because Johnny hadn't been there to help.
His larger hand took hold of Sola's smaller one and he buried his face in the hylian's shoulder. He could feel his heart racing with the words that were clambering to the surface.]
...Promise me you won't fight unless I'm there...and I'll fight with you.
[Action]
[He's surprised, to say the least. Johnny had fought tooth and nail to simply run away to leave it alone every time Sola had ever brought of Barry to the point where Sola had given up hope of ever reaching any sort of understanding on the subject. He thought he'd have to do something alone, under Johnny's nose regardless of the vampire telling him to stay out of it. He couldn't, not with Barry hanging over their heads like a storm cloud, blocking out the proverbial sun. Sola'd stopped bringing it up at all though, tired of being told no, of the pained, hurt and worried expressions it brought about on Johnny's face. If he hadn't been for the curse he wouldn't have this morning either. And now...
He's glad he did.
Sola holds Johnny tightly, not the clinging hold it had been moments ago, out of fear of loss, but the protective hold of someone determined to keep the person they care for safe no matter the cost.]
I won't. We'll get rid of him together. Then you'll be safe.